Man who sign up with Britblog, not necessarily exist.....

I've just realised that Britblog still don't acknowledge my existence,

and with the festive season bearing down on us like a cattle stampede.....................

Sing along -

12 DAYS OF BLOGGING

On the first day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
No one to keep me company
On the second day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
No visits to my blog
On the third day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
Nothing at all
On the fourth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
No calling cards
On the fifth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me

NO BLOODY NEWS!
On the sixth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
No answer to my emails
On the seventh day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
Nothing bloody doing
On the eighth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
You can’t re register
On the ninth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
9 days of loneliness
On the tenth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
10 blogs and no reply
On the eleventh day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
A sign up to technorati
On the twelfth day of blogging, my Britblog sent to me
Depression and diarrhoea

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there...........

and then there's this guy...

check out his book if you don't believe he's an idiot...........

are you scared now!!!












Lest we forget, there's also him............................

Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change.....

So Tony Blairs "bouncer" will be leaving with him when he goes.

Well I can't imagine too many people will be unhappy to see the back of John Prescott..cheered at the labour party conference when footage was shown of him punching a protester......Really!

So a man who punches people, sleeps with his secretary, takes freebie holidays from American businessmen, owns and drives 2 jags, and acts and sounds like Bernard Manning, was the right person for us to have as
Deputy Prime minister...Please!

The only worrying thing about it is that we were taken seriously as a nation with a bully boy and a Bush Puppet at our head!


Bye Bye Boys

Condom should be used on every conceivable occasion......

Just to prove I haven't gone soft in my absence and am still capable of being crass -



Rather unhelpfully, You Tube won't link to my blog....so follow the link....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wvo-zbV-a8w

Do not eat food of woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot ......

Fervant apologies for my absence to all my regular reader....been working very long hours plus the Minx nicked my PC when hers wasn't working. Said she had much more important things to do than me ( in both senses of the phrase).....reading a book or something I dunno.... All I know is every sentence she's said to me this week has only had 2 words and the second word's always off !

Anyway, just to show that I'm truly truly truly sorry - here's something a little more wordy than usual....but that doesn't mean it's more funny!



Life In England in the 1500's

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts that might stop you moaning...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell a bit, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children, then last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs etc ) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

Most peoples' floors were only dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway to keep it in.

Hence the saying a " to cross the thresh hold."

Getting quite an education, aren't you...


Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show it off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could

"Bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests who came to visit and would all sit around eating it.

Hence the saying, "chewing the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or crust.

Hence the saying;"upper crust."

Bored yet ?


Lead cups were often used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days because of the lead content.. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.

So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, running it through the coffin and up through the ground tied to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bells.....

Hence the "graveyard shift"

Thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a “dead ringer”

And that's the truth.......cross my heart and hope to lie - or am I..........

Man who have finger in pie, not necessarily pull out plum....

Late home from work, so I thought I'd carry on going for the lowest common denominator.....
I can always pull my finger out some other time!!

Yuk!!

More MacDonalds

Try this for a novel Aussie view of the MacDonalds world domination plans.
but be warned...it's a bit X rated


http://h1.ripway.com/mebous3/kevinbloodywilson-McDonalds.mp3

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life....

Stole this idea from Atyllah The Hen..

This is the "cleanest" version I came up with !

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time....

Since I've been visited by a few author friends of The Inner Minx, I thought I'd offer up my own "whodunnit" (well not actually my own).

So anyway.......................................


Who do you think dunnem?

Crowded elevator always smell different to short man...

I think this video adequately describes a writer widower........or maybe it's just me
( I'm talking about the housework thing, not the cross dressing...only do that at weekends!)


Watch it and weep



Better legs than me though

Better to be pissed off than pissed on...

Well I know I'm just about the only person reading this Blog and that's fine 'cos I can understand that... but it's a bit pissy if Brit Blog won't read it and activate my account.

After all I've been advertising them to the 3 people who've visited here by mistake, so I feel I'm doing my bit for them!

All I want is to find out if there's anyone out there as sad and stupid as me, I know it's unlikely as I've now become so sad that I'm talking to myself on the internet
- still, you never know.....

So come on BritBlog - read a couple of posts and register me so that other sad bastards have got somewhere to go on lonely nights..Hmmm


Live the dream

Man who fart in phone box not have happy followers

Watch this it's worth a laugh.....well I thought so any way

passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly

Definitely true in this case... follow the link to the Bush,Blair love affair

And Another Thing..

Did I forget to mention war?

I heard an interview on radio 5 with a nameless and faceless person ( to me anyway). The interviewer asked if we could justify killing 50,000 civilians in Iraq in response to 9/11, which killed 3,000. unbelievably, his answer was that "it's different" Too right it's bloody different, it's 47,000 more people! Now I don't mean to belittle what happened in America, it was of course, a terrible and horrific thing, but come on. even with the getting rid of the "evil dictator" thing, it still seems excesive don't you think? Take a minute and think how you'd feel if the situations were reversed. You're under a regime of tyranny that you didn't vote in and then some foreign super power ( if that's right) wipes out half your family and starts riding around your home town in tanks. Then says "Sorry that we killed your sons and husband, but it was collattoral damage after all. We were aiming for someone else, but it's just one of those things. Anyway look on the bright side, we got Saddam! Oh yeah, that's ok then, no problem, thanks for your help.

Are we really surprised that there are more fanatics than ever now? Well you might be but I'm not!

The truth is no one's right, it's a war and people are getting killed and people killing other people is wrong.

I can't help thinking about the film Matrix, where the agent says that the human race is a parasite or a virus or whatever. Anyway you get the drift.. perhaps he was right, and perhaps the matrix was a prophecy, who knows?



Cheered up now my beauties

War do not determine who right, war determine who left

Now that I realise that no one is actually going to read this blog, other than me, my family and the odd person who stumbles across it looking for information on the real Confucius (spelt
differently to avoid such errors), I can relax and say anything I want. So..

Tony Blair, New Labour? What were you thinking? Who are ordinary people supposed to vote
for now? There's no socialism left in this country and everyone's been conned into thinking that
they're middle class.
Have you seen a dustman lately? No you haven't, you've seen a waste products technician or a garbage emporium sanitiser.
Shop assistant? No. Technical scanning operative.
Car mechanic? Nope, they're all technicians now.
Factory worker ( not that there's many factories left). No chance. Technical assembly and dissemination operative.
Footballers are now specialist ball control technicians and the managers are now human
resource executives for specialist ball control technicians, apparently.

Socialist politician, seen one of those? No way me old cock sparrer, Maggie Thatcher must be
doing cartwheels, even at her age.

Heard the one about the union actually doing some good? 'Course not they're all dead and
buried. There was a time when the union might fight for your rights, now they whimper a bit
and say publicly that "it wasn't vary nice of The Global (Really From America) Company to cut
everyone's wages in half and sack 50% of the workforce to move operations to Kwang Chang
Province.... because they didn't tell everyone they were going to do it first"! Like that would have made a difference. I've been an employer as well as a manager for someone else, but it still
makes me feel sick that we've become such apathetic sheep!


Anyway, what I was going to say was...Tony Blair, you've sold your soul and those of many good
people - you complete and utter bastard!

Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.

woke up this morning.....
so that was a bit of a relief


WORST NIGHTMARE or
DREAM COME TRUE

definitely a matter of perspective rather than philosophy my old beauty

Virgin just like balloon ... one prick, all gone

The thing about life is, it's just too fucking short........................................





................................................. to worry about what other people think !


peace and love baby

He who wishes to secure the good of others has already secured his own

Go and read inner minx.................NOW !!

Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.

DON'T BLAME THEM FOR CLEARING THIS ONE UP !!










But you might find some nuts amongst our American cousins.....Read on.............

(This is from 2005)

The Stella Awards.

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States
Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie):Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000. by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medicalexpenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener wasmalfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!

4th Place:Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2ndPlace: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge . She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses

1st Place:This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000. plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.