CONFUCIOUS TREVASKIS: March 2007

I'm really pissed off....I'm more than 20 years old,(but I refuse to say how much more!) and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I now envy the people who used to annoy me, by being so certain about their future......

Will I ever know?...somehow I doubt it now.....but I'll be applying to be a train driver sometime in the next few weeks, or years ...or maybe I could go back to college, or learn how to paint, or win the lottery.......but then I still wouldn't know - in fact it would be worse because I'd have more choice..........

Although I could try being a fireman.....

Or a vet.........

Fuck it, I'll just wait and see if anything new takes my fancy............

Happy Mothers' Day by the way..................

Recently, we went to watch a friend playing in a local ska band. (Called Rudi's message since you ask...very good live). Which is great...'cos a good time is always guarenteed.....the venue however, is not great. The pretentiously, if historically correctly named, Corn Exchange....I'm sure there are many others....

Unfortunately for yours truly, things have changed since I last ventured into a "trendy" nightspot, or I have, or probably both.........
Upon entering,we were met with wall to wall tuneless, thumping, rave type technoshite, which the sweating DJ somehow thought would pleasantly accompany an evening of ska, the dick.
After 30 minutes of brain torture, I was on the verge of admitting to any and all of the crimes of the last hundred years and had a healthy new respect for the powers of Patrick McGoohan, our hero from "The Prisoner.

However, the actual entertainment began shortly after my 5th pint, which was about right for maximum enjoyment.(Drunk...but retaining some equilibrium, but not too much decorum)
Unfortunately, it was soon apparent, that I am sadly prehistoric, when it comes to rules of behaviour in such an establishment.

Firstly.."Excuse me please" was generally met with a complete lack of recognition, or a stare indicating that I was a kangaroo at a koala bears picninc..... it appears that the modern method of passing through a crowded alehouse, is to bend your knees to obtain a lower centre of gravity, then charge at full flight, like an Ireland flanker(that's FLANKER) destroying the England defensive line at Croke Park. (That's rugby, for the uninitiated). This method is met by neither angry stares or comments, but appears to be expected. Which is ok, but does result in everybody wearing a heavy coating of miixed alcoholic beverages - short people, look out!

Secondly...I noticed that the mating habits of the more or less spotted male, have changed considerably. No longer do they have to invent new and witty chat up lines (cheesy and stupid to the females reading this....obviously!) Instead the leering drunk bounces his way drooling and dripping, to his intended target. Once there, he holds his arms aloft(Beer in one hand, fag in the other) like the scorer of a stupendous cup final goal, and girates his hips violently, leering and dripping all the while. Apparently, this is liable to moisten all the "ladies" within a 3 mile radius..or at least he seemed to think so.
At this point, the 3 fuck off rule comes into play.
If the target says "Fuck off" once...she's probably just being playful and wants you to rub against her.
Twice, just playing hard to get and would really like you to shove your arse into her because she wants you so bad.
And thrice? She obviously prefers girls, so just means try her mate,(Can't see the logic there...) then anyone in the vicinity with a protruding chest, until someone says "Let's go to my place fo a shag big boy"
Does it work? I've no idea, but somehow I doubt it's effectiveness...........perhaps it depends on your arse..................

The only evidence of female mating ritual that I witnessed. was one buxom young wench who I overheard saying " Do you think my tit's have got bigger" This, however, certainly worked, as the young man in question soon held two voluptious handfuls, while the wench shouted "Get yer hands of!" Though I don't think she meant it as she pushed herself towards him, and when last seen was licking the soles of his feet, via his tonsils..............

And yes.....I do realise that I've become a grumpy old bastard.........and do you know...I quite like being one.................