New anti car theft device..........

DRINK

Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps its mouth shut. ..........

Growing up is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty....................

I'm really pissed off....I'm more than 20 years old,(but I refuse to say how much more!) and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I now envy the people who used to annoy me, by being so certain about their future......

Will I ever know?...somehow I doubt it now.....but I'll be applying to be a train driver sometime in the next few weeks, or years ...or maybe I could go back to college, or learn how to paint, or win the lottery.......but then I still wouldn't know - in fact it would be worse because I'd have more choice..........



Although I could try being a fireman.....


Or a vet.........


Fuck it, I'll just wait and see if anything new takes my fancy............

Happy Mothers' Day by the way..................

Grumpy Bastards Big Night Out.....................

Recently, we went to watch a friend playing in a local ska band. (Called Rudi's message since you ask...very good live). Which is great...'cos a good time is always guarenteed.....the venue however, is not great. The pretentiously, if historically correctly named, Corn Exchange....I'm sure there are many others....

Unfortunately for yours truly, things have changed since I last ventured into a "trendy" nightspot, or I have, or probably both.........
Upon entering,we were met with wall to wall tuneless, thumping, rave type technoshite, which the sweating DJ somehow thought would pleasantly accompany an evening of ska, the dick.
After 30 minutes of brain torture, I was on the verge of admitting to any and all of the crimes of the last hundred years and had a healthy new respect for the powers of Patrick McGoohan, our hero from "The Prisoner.

However, the actual entertainment began shortly after my 5th pint, which was about right for maximum enjoyment.(Drunk...but retaining some equilibrium, but not too much decorum)
Unfortunately, it was soon apparent, that I am sadly prehistoric, when it comes to rules of behaviour in such an establishment.

Firstly.."Excuse me please" was generally met with a complete lack of recognition, or a stare indicating that I was a kangaroo at a koala bears picninc..... it appears that the modern method of passing through a crowded alehouse, is to bend your knees to obtain a lower centre of gravity, then charge at full flight, like an Ireland flanker(that's FLANKER) destroying the England defensive line at Croke Park. (That's rugby, for the uninitiated). This method is met by neither angry stares or comments, but appears to be expected. Which is ok, but does result in everybody wearing a heavy coating of miixed alcoholic beverages - short people, look out!

Secondly...I noticed that the mating habits of the more or less spotted male, have changed considerably. No longer do they have to invent new and witty chat up lines (cheesy and stupid to the females reading this....obviously!) Instead the leering drunk bounces his way drooling and dripping, to his intended target. Once there, he holds his arms aloft(Beer in one hand, fag in the other) like the scorer of a stupendous cup final goal, and girates his hips violently, leering and dripping all the while. Apparently, this is liable to moisten all the "ladies" within a 3 mile radius..or at least he seemed to think so.
At this point, the 3 fuck off rule comes into play.
If the target says "Fuck off" once...she's probably just being playful and wants you to rub against her.
Twice, just playing hard to get and would really like you to shove your arse into her because she wants you so bad.
And thrice? She obviously prefers girls, so just means try her mate,(Can't see the logic there...) then anyone in the vicinity with a protruding chest, until someone says "Let's go to my place fo a shag big boy"
Does it work? I've no idea, but somehow I doubt it's effectiveness...........perhaps it depends on your arse..................

The only evidence of female mating ritual that I witnessed. was one buxom young wench who I overheard saying " Do you think my tit's have got bigger" This, however, certainly worked, as the young man in question soon held two voluptious handfuls, while the wench shouted "Get yer hands of!" Though I don't think she meant it as she pushed herself towards him, and when last seen was licking the soles of his feet, via his tonsils..............


And yes.....I do realise that I've become a grumpy old bastard.........and do you know...I quite like being one.................

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example....................

This week, I would like to introduce you to........

GRANNY POWER !!!





Doesn't she go on.........................

Sometimes Fact is Stranger Than Science Fiction.............

I was emailed these unbelievable pics....and just had to share them......
Can you guess what these little fella's are....?

How about now? Hidden cameras maybe?

Microphones......?

Nope ...that's right....this is your new Pc...........

They project the monitor and keyboard onto a flat surface.....

And hey presto...a computer

Looks like it this will be the future......

and look out....cos it's coming fast!

The best way to get a woman to argue with you, is to say something.......................

Bad Decisions 3.............

Here's a good reason not to wear a thong............


and that puppy definitley mad a bad decision here..........


'nough said...........


Hmmmm............


Never, ever, let your children bury you on the beach..........

To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit. ..............

Or this could be you..................

Sex on beach is like American beer...very near water. ................

Here's an answer to the age old question of whether it's possible to live off the fruits of love..........................



While we're on the subject of sex...........
I didn't realise that being shortsighted could be so much of a problem.......



And when Granny comes to visit.....don't let her out of sight for even a minute...............

More Conspiracy Stuff...........

And then there's the American version........



Oooops, nearly forgot - just in case it's true......................

Blair....Freemason, or free spirit......

I've heard a lot about conspiracy theories lately....
found this one and thought it was interesting enough to share.....


Haven't made my mind up about this sort of stuff yet though........
But just in case.........

Cycle messengers......or just nutters.............

Have you seen these blokes?




.......They're raving.........................................

Every major horror of history was committed in the name of an altruistic motive. ..................

Like I said.............you just couldn't make it up...............

So do you support THIS Twat.............

More on Twat.....

Don't dismiss this word as a mere swearword or insult.......

Apparently the poet Robert Browning used it in one of his poems.......

Pippa Passes, written in 1841

albeit mistakenly -
but still, it sort of gives the word some authority..........

Then owls and bats
Cowls and twats
Monks and nuns in a cloister's moods
Adjourn to the oak-stump pantry

Apparently he thought it was a part of a nun's habit

and maybe it was.........

ALSO....
Another mistaken (or perhaps dialectal) use was in Lord Lytton's 1870 science fiction novel The Coming Race, in an apparent satire on Darwin:

Among the pithy sayings which, according to tradition, the philosopher bequeathed to posterity in rhythmical form and sententious brevity, this is notably recorded:

"Humble yourselves, my descendants; the father of your race was a 'twat' (tadpole): exalt yourselves, my descendants, for it was the same Divine Thought which created your father that develops itself in exalting you."

So... a tadpole, apregnant goldfish...and a berk.....remarkably versatile word..............

The Origin of Twat.................

I was recently informed, by a certain witch - like person, that the word TWAT has more severe meaning in some of the former colonies...........which made me want to learn more....as you do....

Personally, I find it a very useful word that can be either playful, or really fucking rude, or even playful, with an undertone of "I meant that really" ........depending on the context.

Anyway, my extensive research (Logging on to wikipedia) brought up the following definitions............


A fool, synonymous with the word twit - 'You are a real twat and a half'
One who behaves in a childish, extroverted manner ...you know - a complete twat!
To hit something (or someone) really hard - 'I twatted him one'
To become drunk or otherwise intoxicated - 'Let's get twatted'
It is very often combined with the synonym cunt, to form "twunt"....didn't know that one....Hmmm
A common spelling alternative is "tw@." This was used in the video game Grand Theft Auto 3. ....Oh dear.........
There is an urban legend that "twat" is a term for a pregnant goldfish. ...surely it is, or is that pratt(not to be confused with spratt - which is a real fish)....hang on, I'll just check that out...... bloody loads of different types of sprats...er small herrings...but no pratts....Wikipedia let me down!

In South African English, the word gwat is used instead of twat; however this has fallen into disuse.

TWAT is also the abbreviation for "The War on Terror"
surely that would be twot....but what do I know.......
Anyway..........

How cool is that? - TWAT waged by a twat......you couldn't make that up could you............

I told you.....it's a really useful word!

AHOY THERE CITY SLICKERS !

Quite often I forget what a lovely place Cornwall is to live in..... every now and then though, something happens to remind me.

This time, it was a short stay at The Lands End Hotel, which sits on the edge of the cliffs at Lands End.............

And like that annoying friend who invites you round after their holiday..........I'm going to show you my pics.............

So, I hope you're jealous that we live here and you don't.................!

This was the view, when we arrived yesterday afternoon............

And the view from the room....Mmmmmmm.........

And the view over the patio at breakfast.............looks like you could just walk into the sea doesn't it...........but be warned, there's a hundred foot drop..............................

And some nice coastal pics from just outside the hotel...........

Last, but not least..........the view from the car as we left..........those crashing waves are about 30 feet high by the way!

And yes....it was very bloody windy!

If you're really good, I'll post some more of these sometime..............

I love it here!

Poor, poor city dwellers!

But never mind....you can get a daily slice of Cornwall here

...if you want to see just how lucky I am....I so love feeling smug.............

Those cats are back........................

While we're on the subject of cats............................................

is this whar you really want.?

cos you could have this instead................

No red arse in here.....

If anyone would like to read something a little more lighthearted for a change.....go to L>T's new post here