a Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death..........

STOLEN RIDDLE


I saw this on another blog, which I won't name for fear of spoiling your "fun".........
(Apologies if you've all seen/heard this before)

There are two angels guarding the entrances to Heaven and Hell. The one guarding Heaven always tells the truth and the one guarding hell always lies.

When you die, you are allowed to ask one question only to determine which entrance leads to Heaven.

The angels do not stand in front of the same entrance all the time as they often switch places.

How do you tell which entrance leads to Heaven...or Hell if that's your preference................... ?

GO ON HAVE A GO............................


Apparently this riddle is based on Bolean Logic, which is the basis for computing.

I did start looking it up, but it's maths so I sort of drifted off........and can't remember if I learnt anything or not......................................

House without bathroom is uncanny .................

After years of trying to defend football to my friends, who complain that the players are a bunch of girlies..........

I no longer have an argument................................

Don't cry for me Argentina............................

OH AND DON'T FORGET!

BUY COVEN OF ONE HERE

Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders .........

My world is turning purple....................

Is there another word for synonym.................?

What a difference a day makes........

This was my view at work Wednesday......

Wind, rain and traffic jams.....

And this was my view today............

Blue skies, sun and......tallships

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

reminded me why I like living in Cornwall....

BUY ONE....

IN FACT BUY LOTS...(Christmas is coming!)

SIGNED COPIES WILL BE WORTH A MINT IN A YEAR OR TWO

(Maybe sooner!!)

Can be ordered HERE

It is not possible to have civil war.........

Full marks to whoever thought this one up.....................

(As long as there is clothing underneath!)

How could they have resisted?

Man who sleep on bed of nails, must be holy............

At first I thought - what a stupid thing to do to a dog........

then I remembered all the times I'd had to clear up behind my dog and thought - good idea....

then I remembered that when dogs go to the toilet, they mark their territory., so this could be a bit cruel.
Also, wouldn't it be a bit messy?

so back to the first thought then........

Many of the things you can count, don't count. Many of the things you can't count, really count..........

With all the doom and gloom about in this country, it was nice to read about a success.

Beth Tweddle won an historic gold medal at the World Championships in Aarhus, Denmark.

She is also European Champion.
Both titles were won on the asymmetric bars.

What a shame that this tale of a successful woman was so well hidden.........

By tales of our continuing lack of success at cricket...................

Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent........

Oh dear I've been memed by Debi.............so I'll get it over with..........

Apparently I've got to put this on the post............

PLEASE LEAVE THE FOLLOWING IN ALL ‘PEOPLE COLLECTION’ POSTS
Remember that it isn’t always the sensational stuff that writers are looking for, it can just as easily be something that you take for granted like having raised twins or knowing how to grow beetroot. Mind you, if you know how to fly a helicopter or have worked as a film extra, do feel free to let the rest of us know about it :-)


1. I was born in a small fishing village in Cornwall (Portboscathobetherwickbellack) in 1423.

2. My mother was an Irish porn star with 3 breasts and my father invented gold.

3. I have 23 sisters and 39 brothers, but can't remember their names.

4. I once swam to America, arriving there 12 years, 19 months, 63 days and 47 hours after I left Cornwall. I caught the bus back.

5. My dad and your dad went to different schools together.

The last SEX post...........for now anyway.......

In view of the disappointment that I've caused at not having any substance to my sex posts............


Here's a little something to tickle all fancies.......................

It take square ass to shit a brick................

Here's an overstuffed, fatuous, vacuous, pointless American conglomerate that I love...NOT

........being taken down a peg or three.

Unfortunately, the knockout punch comes from another overstuffed fatuous etc...etc..

But at least it made me laugh..........

Sex Doesn't Cut it

Well, apparently you're all repressed souls out there (Apart from you know who of course, who was disappointed at the lack of porn! Good on ya!), cos my stats went down when I put sex in the title...
However, that hasn't stopped me from trying again.............

Sex, sex sex, buxom, busty, horny

Sex stories........................not to be found here!

Just trying out Minx's theory that having something sexual in the header gives you more hits on your post.

Apparently, just by having the word naked in her title - she had a big influx of visitors.........
either that, or she was trying to make me feel better when I saw her stats. (Blog stats that is)

So is the world really that shallow? Well I'll let you know in a couple of days......................

Just in case you thought I'd forgotten............

Confucious he say......

An Egotist is person more interested in themselves than me....


just off to ping technorati....................

By the way.........may be erratic posting this week,
caused by visits to hospital and starting new job.......................apologies

Man who smoke pot, choke on handle.......

Now if the cat were a metaphor for government....

and we were the squirrel.........

Wouln't that be encouraging?

Bigger and meaner, but still lost it's nuts !

Man with big mouth learn to like the taste of foot......

There's been a lot of coverage in the press lately over Jack Straws comments about Muslim women wearing veils.

Now I read that a Muslim teacher has been suspended for wearing her veil while teaching.

Isn't this a religious issue rather than a a political one?

I don't claim to know much about any religion, but I don't see how the government has got any say on religious clothing, as long as it isn't offensive and this clearly isn't.

Jack Straw claims that the veil creates a barrier with people......unlike say a cassock or dog collar - that wouldn't alter the way you act around someone, would it now.... ..?

There is enough suspicion around the Muslim faith as it is at the moment -so I'd just like to say...
mind your own bloody business mate!

Just to bring things down to my normal level.....

Beautiful eyes, don't you think?

Man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands.....

A little too late perhaps.............?

Man with most power in the world, should have semblance of intelligence....

Just in case you all thought that

the global village idiot was off the hook.......

"Apparently"....this photo hasn't been tampered with...

Yet another "Bushism"

Such a dipstick!

There are 3 things you cannot hide - sun, moon, and truth....

There's some proof that you

just can't argue with............

OK for shit to happen - will decompose ..........

A CAUTIONARY CORNISH TALE


A rich city lawyer went duck hunting in Cornwall.
He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence.

As the lawyer was climbing over the fence, an old
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in
this field and now I m going to retrieve it."

"This is my land, and you're not coming over here my lover." said the old farmer

The indignant lawyer said, "I,ll have you know I'm one of the best trial
lawyers in the the world and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll
sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Looks like you don't
know how we settle disputes in Cornwall.
We don't go to court, we use The Three Kick Rule. "

"What's the 'Three Kick Rule'?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, because the dispute happened on my land,
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times
and so on until someone gives up."

The lawyer thought about it and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

So, he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from his tractor and
walked up to the lawyer.

With his first kick, he planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff, brought up the lawyers dinner.

The farmer's third kick to his rear, sent him sprawling into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will power and managed to
stagger shakily to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket and pointing his finger, he said,
"Okay, old man,..Now it s my turn!"

The old farmer smiled, shook his head and said,

"Nah, sod it, you can keep the duck!"

If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient ........

Right, enough memeing, I have a rant....

My mum, who's 73, has just gone into hospital for a hip replacement. Before she went, she was visited by an "OT" to assess her needs when she comes out.

Because she will be largely immobile and unable to lift, cook, clean, shop, walk properly,change the necessary surgical stockings, or wash herself, they decided she'd need some help. Good, you might think..........

But, and it's big but, so BUT, that doesn't mean she'll be getting actual people to help her. don't be bloody daft!

Her aftercare consists of:-
a commode
an upright chair for the lounge
and a long stick with a sort of grabby thing on the end, so she can pick things up without bending over!

Not bad eh? BUT, there's more.....

Then they realised that because she won't be able to bend or lift -
she won't be able to empty the lovely commode!

The answer?

A trolley to wheel the piss pot to the toilet!

Hurray! Problems solved!

apart that is, from the cooking, the cleaning, the washing herself, the changing her necessary surgical stocking..and the having a life and some dignity in general!

In a nutshell, the aftercare for my mum consists of -

a pisspot and a trolley to push the pisspot around in!

She's "lucky" enough to have me and some friends and family around to help (and I have to own up here and say we didn't tell the NHS that she had any available support, in fact they were told she didn't!)......

Which poses the question....how do other people in this situation cope ?!!!

Feminism Meme Part 5

The fifth and last thing that feminism has given me is.......

SHAME

"Selfish" feminism may well be

about wages and job prospects, and

whilst they're important.......

REAL feminism has to be about these issues

--------

-----

Still got some work to do haven't we?

Feminism Meme Part 4

he fourth thing that feminism has given me is.....

AN END TO FEMALE STEREOTYPING

(Or did I mean steno typing)

Feminism Meme Part 3

The third thing feminism has given me is....

SEXUAL LIBERATION

(Yehaa, ride em cowboy)

In more ways than one.....

See what I mean.......

Feminism Meme Part 2

The second thing feminism has given me is........

LADETTES

(Or women who now behave as badly as men)

Is this a good thing........................?

Feminism Meme Part1

Thank you to skint writer for tagging me - to do a meme on the five things feminism has done for me (Does he know I used to be a man?)

I decided that it's such a big subject that I would have to do 1 a day, so......

the first thing that feminism has given me is -

WOMEN DRIVERS

(With PMT)

Strange but true...........

Oh, and I nearly forgot the menopause......

Woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit ...

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. "

More 21st Century sayings explained.....

Rather appropriately, Number 2 in the series...

Early in the 21st century, President Bush was assassinated by Eco - Friendly extremist group, The Birds.

They used curious "eco - weapons" that were a sort of gun made from recycled newspapers and formed into the shape of a bird. These "guns" fired bird waste pellets at high velocity, powered by methane gas - extracted from.....well you can guess where.

At the Presidents State of the Union er, talk to the nation, err..speech......err whatever you want to call it.... an extremist jumped up from his seat and fired two pellets of bird doo doo into the President, killing him instantly.

Hence the saying we have today...a bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush.


NB: The protester took his own life by breathing in some of the methane fumes, lighting a match and blowing himself up! Thereby causing a serious improvement to the state of the union, by taking several generals with him!

Man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist ........

"BUSHISMS"

Sorry, but it's just his turn this week.....

Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face....

SARCASM - The lowest form of wit ?


When Gandhi was asked what he thought of Western civilization, he said, "It would be nice." ~Author Unknown

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong. -- Mo Udall

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists. -- Norman Mailer

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if they are worthless. -- Sinclair Lewis

Ninty percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name. -- Henry Kissinger

Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology. -- Clive James

We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends. -- P.D. James

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. -- Kin Hubbard

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. -- Brendan Gill

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it merely had been detected. -- Oscar Wilde

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch. -- Dave Barry

Support bacteria - it's only culture some people have...

The real reason Iraq was invaded ...

the uncut version of George Bush's State of the Union speech before declaring war

Man who sits on stool may not smell good.....

WARNING!

THIS MAN IS AN IDIOT!!

To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.......

Still not smart enough to get You Tube onto my blog,

However,my children, I have found an interesting link.........

A picture of the High Priestess

&

The Novapulsian National
Anthem !!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4Z9fjsj66w&mode=related&search=

Light travel faster than sound, so a man may appear bright..... until you hear him speak.....

A challenge "layed" down to me by Atyllah The Hen after my blog about England in the 1500's -

...to come up with sayings that will be associated with the 21st Century in the future.

So here goes....

During the early part of the 21st Century, it was customary for the youths of the day to wear a hood over the top of a baseball cap. They were therefore in effect wearing 2 hats.

These youths regularly gathered in large groups, harassing innocent passers by and were often thought of as unsavoury and stupid.

Due to their habit of wearing 2 hats, they were often known by the name twohats.
However, over a period of time, the name became shortened –

Hence the word Twats, that we use regularly today, to describe persons of questionable ability and / or character.

And yes it did take me this long to come up with just this one...

Further ideas and contributions gratefully received...................................

Man who excels at putting worm on hook is master baiter.....

It has come to my attention that in a recent Blog by steve c, entitled : Turnips and Candle Wax ,
some outrgeous claims were made, that not only besmirched the name of the wondrous Turnip, but also completely ignored the role of the Cornish in its conception.

The blog contains a very nice tale, set in Ireland (pah!), of the man who supposedly made the first turnip lantern. All nonsense of course!

Let me enlighten you........

The Turnip, or Swede, to give it its true Cornish name, was in fact invented by the famous Cornish gardener and tin miner, Treve Combellack, in 1453.

This fact is confirmed in the well known journal of Calamity Brown, the landscape gardener. (Later known as Capability Brown after importing the Swede to England)

So it's hardly likely that some Irish bloke called Stingy Jack would have made the first lantern!

In fact Cornish people, who've long settled around the world, call themselves "Cousin Jacks" and it is far more likely that Steve is in fact talking about "Stringy Jack". So called because he made rope ladders out of twisted Swede stems for the tin miners, during the early 1500's. However, he wasn't a criminal who made pacts with the devil, but a respected craftsman and Swede rope maker.

At that time Cornish people lived mainly on fish and swede (as it is the national vegetable of Cornwall) and the lanterns that the tin miners used were hollowed out swedes with candles inside - hence the term Jack o' Lantern - referring to "cousin jacks" of course.

This is also the reason that the world famous Cornish Pasty contains so much Swede, as obviously, the inside of the lantern had to be used somewhere.

I hope that sets the record straight, and please, let's show at least a little respect for such an eminent Cornish inventer and his truly wonderful invention - The Swede (or Turnip to you English Philistines.)